Inwardly Confused

Yo!

2010-08-20T07:30:00.000-07:00

Hey dude it's been an age!
I would fill you in on all the stuff I have been doing but quite honestly I have just been bowling along, living a life.
At the moment I am shaking my fist at the TV, it's advertising Aqua Lite shampoo from Pantene. I am often weighed down by my heavy heavy hair. Household chores are almost impossible and having a job type job totally out of the question. Clearly I need to skip down to Bootsesesss The Chemistssss to get me some of that Aqua Lite.

Nightmare......quite literally.

2010-02-15T02:11:00.000-08:00

SoOOooo tired this morning, had an epic dream that turned nasty and kept me awake for an hour or so. Very menacing moody look about it like a Guillermo Del Toro movie.... all the stuff I own, mostly shoes, were moving towards me very slowly like they had some magnetic attraction thing going on or WERE UNDER A SPELL, cast by SOME EVIL UNSEEN THING. *shiver* Totally shit myself up.

Too Tight

2010-02-07T05:37:00.000-08:00

Dear Lady GaGa,
Unless you have shares in Bob's Brazilian Wax Palace please release your hoohaa from it's sequinned prison. This costume is making my eyes water. Thanks!

Elbow Ache

2009-11-11T11:46:00.000-08:00

I haven't died or anything I have just been soooOoOoo busy making stuff that I haven't had a chance to do anything else. The house looks like a bomb has gone off and the children are on the brink of having to crowd around the fridge eating ham with their fingers. I also have the mother of all elbow aches, RSI or some such thing, am becoming fast addicted to paracetamol.
At least I am ok money wise which is great but doing tax returns is bollocks, I don't mind paying what I owe I just hate the admin, I will probably end up employing a pixie to do it for me. Yay!

Tipsy

2009-08-20T03:36:00.000-07:00

'Over the road' are having a garage conversion, they have employed a guy who seems to be a bit drunk. He keeps starting up power tools, swaggering about then getting back in his van. By the time he has finished it will have cost twice as much and may not be safe. I think they need to bribe him into proper sober action, maybe with a Ginsters and some strong tea. I have told the kids to keep to this side of the cul de sac until he has gone.

Marrow

2009-07-31T13:11:00.000-07:00

I have lots and lots of marrows, they seem to be the most successful crop so far. What can I do with all these marrows?....serious cooking suggestions only please! I have had enough of stuffed marrow in all it's different forms.

Crikey

2009-07-16T05:53:00.000-07:00

I guess I am getting old as I haven't stopped jawing on about how this year has flown by, I mean FLOWN by, the children will have finished another school year by Friday. That's fucking mental!
Also I have never been busier, my work is in two national mags next month and I have been preparing for the rush whilst making cakes, growing veg and reading Vogue.
I can't keep up, there aren't enough hours in the day for everything to get done. I suppose I could spend less time pondering, pontificating, reading and rearranging but then life wouldn't be as much fun.

Monster Plants

2009-07-03T09:52:00.000-07:00

I thought I was planting veg but it looks like we are getting triffids.

Dark and wet

2009-06-10T06:00:00.000-07:00

AND it's thundery. I like it, cardi on, cosy inside. I am treating myself to a mammoth dvd session while I work. Oh yes it is a good day.

On the upside though

2009-05-18T03:45:00.000-07:00

I dreamt about that I found an extra piece of garden I didn't know I had and that it had a great big greenhouse on it, I am taking this as a sign that I NEED to get a greenhouse, as my Aunty Lil would say, 'It's fate!'.

Neighbours

2009-05-18T03:13:00.000-07:00

Sunday was crap.
Had a huge fight with the bloke who lives opposite.
He made my eldest son cry when he shouted at him. My husband went over to ask if everything was OK and could we talk about it, he had misinterpreted what had happened, my lad was demonstrating in slow motion why someone had been sent off in a footy game he had seen. He looked out the window and thought he saw my lad kicking his lad, he went off on one.
His lad even tried to tell him, he wouldn't listen and was convinced what he saw was right. He then proceeded to accuse my children of CONSTANT BULLYING and CONSTANT SWEARING ( my little one owned up to saying 'bitch' once but admitted he didn't know what it meant). We called a stop to the conversation and said we needed to go away cool off and have a proper discussion when we had all calmed down, we said that accusations of bullying were very serious and needed to be dealt with properly.
We went back to ours but he knocked on the door anyway a few minutes later....he didn't want to cool off. It all got very heated and out of hand, I became a defensive Mama Bear fishwife hybrid. I am not proud of myself. I feel shit today.
I was surprised at how defensive I got, I always thought I would be able to deal with any criticism of the children with a cool head but he was no fucking idea what he is talking about.
All the children in the Close fall out from time to time, none of them pick on each other although they are occasionally mean and argue. From what I remember that's what being a kid is like. He has no clue what they play like because he never ever comes out and sees what's going on. His kid is forever dancing about on the top of his car and sliding down the bonnet, he has accused other kids of scratching the car bonnet with footballs when his lad has just finished doing the fandango all over it.
His kid just craves attention and his weapon of choice is telling tales, he gets the most attention by getting other children into trouble. I know because I have spent years pretending to clean windows, tending my garden and literally sitting on the drive in a deck chair reading a glossy mag making sure they are all ok.
I have never been so angry, I was shaking , my mouth went dry, even my husband, who has a Yoda like calm about him, was tense to say the least.
I tried to reason with him but he was having none of it, he has my children down as evil little devils and that's all he had to say on the matter. My kids are obviously mortified, we talked a lot about bullying at home and at school and they know all the reasons why it is wrong, what to do to stop it and what to do if you are a victim of it. Kids falling out is one thing accusations of bullying is quite another fish. This guy has been in a bad mood for about five years, he regularly throws his lad out the front door and I have seen the kid wandering around the Close after 8pm (he is 6) when they seem to have forgotten to call him in for a bath.
We are lucky that we live in a plce where the children can play out safely but he is ruining it with misguided over protection and a lack of common sense. It is so difficult reasoning with someone who is so unreasonable. We already have one dodgy neighbour in the street another would just be rubbish!
I feel a little bit sick that our lovely little enclave is going to be mashed because this grumpy fucker can't rememeber what it was like being a kid, they have to learn to get along.
Policing the world from behind your net curtains does fuck all, get your arse out and take your place. If the most trouble my children ever get into is falling out over who is the better footy team and saying pishh off then I'll buy that for a dollar.
Is it too early for gin?

MPs

2009-05-15T03:54:00.000-07:00

Listen up, I don't care that it was 'within the rules'... pay for your luxury items with your substantial wages you greedy bitches and stop moaning about your job YOU CHOSE IT, fucker.

The Good Life

2009-04-23T02:16:00.000-07:00

So...in my quest to become Felicity Kendall I am building raised vegetable beds, when I say *I am* I mean *my long suffering husband is*. He would like to read a good book, play street football and become Slash via Guitar Hero, and he can, as soon as I have finished bossing him about and moaning about the position of the nails.
I wanted to build the whole thing out of reclaimed wood but I have discovered that the tip isn't the free for all it used to be......once it's in the skip you can't have it, you have to stalk the cars and tippers to get the rich pickings before they sling it in, and even then you have to make sure the Tip Guys don't catch you. There was no suitable wood as it turned out but I did get a 1950's dark wood sewing box on legs, a little fixer upper for £1.25, the fella said it was £2.50 but he got sick of waiting for me to fish around in my handbag for the correct change and the ice cream man was about to go... ( what ice cream man stalks the tip gates? A clever one as it happens as there is always a queue, these days the tip is a proper day out).
When we got home we were talking to The Lovely Matthew From Next Door and he gave us two sides of his old shed, perfect, we knocked the end bits together and will finish it off this weekend......I already have bell peppers nearly ready to plant out as well as salad stuff that has been growing on the kitchen window sill...I will start small and take it slow as I am a bugger for messing about with plants and being a bit chop happy. Eventually I would like year round fresh produce so I can spend less in Tesco. Hurrah!

Slow Day

2009-04-15T05:46:00.000-07:00

Fred Goodwin is a Twazmuppet
That is all.

[------------II--] Annoyed-O-Meter

2009-04-07T05:44:00.001-07:00

Spent all week chasing payment for works done, come on people pay ya fucking bills....have been left with just a few quid again and it's beginning to get on my tits. I offer people good deals wholesale and on commissioned stuff and they still take a bleedin age to cough up, arrrrrrghhhhh, poor blonde child has a hole in his trainers big enough to drive a relatively large Hotwheels dinky vehicle through, please don't let it rain!!!!

Put it away you idiot.

2009-03-31T01:17:00.000-07:00

I lived in London for about 10 years. During that period I was a 'victim of crime' 3 times. One was official, I got a letter from the police inviting me to attend victim of crimes counselling, and the other two I didn't report.
The 'official' crime was when I got by flat burgled. I was sharing with a friend who insisted on switching all the lights off and leaving all the curtains open when we were out even though I told her a million billion times that it would be best to do the opposite....this wasn't a 'nice' neighbourhood just because it had an Islington address, we were essentially Dalston border. Any cheeky git could have a recee and bash the window in , basement flat, old vicarage, wobbly windows...we may as well have left the fucking door open. The day after Boxing day some cheeky git just had a reccee and bashed the window in, all my stuff was nicked including all my underwear and pj's my, cds jewellery, what wasn't nicked was wrecked. It was carnage. Interestingly her room was so messy that they couldn't, or didn't want to try to find anything of value. That'll teach me to be neat and have matching bras and pants.
The other two crimes were less material and more... shall we say... *sexual* or at the very least a bit Carry On. The first took place at Waterloo Station, I was on the train and this pin stripe suited fellow got on and sat opposite, He had a broad sheet that he was reading.....so far so normal. Then he started flicking the edge of the paper trying to attract my attention. I of course ignored him and tried to get back to my book. He became very insistent. I pointedly didn't look up, he became more insistent so with a sigh I looked up to see that under the paper he had his cock out....poking through his trousers. In what I can only describe as a cat like lightening quick reflex, I stood up, pointed and shouted at the top of my voice,'That man has he PENIS out'!!!!!!
The whole , quite packed by now, carriage turned round and he got up and ran off the train with his nob still flapping about. I think my use of the word 'penis' gave my retaliation a more grown up flavour adding to his humiliation.
The other non crime was also a flashing but took place in West Hampstead tube station. I was going to Waitrose in St John's Wood for our groceries, I had moved into a flat with my new boyfriend and future husband, living like kings on two fat wages. We had taken a flat in West Hampstead probably the most expensive place I have ever rented ( although the one we had in Dublin was pretty fucking expensive for an ex council flat, Celtic tiger greed). Anyhoo, I got on the train which was quite full and this bloke got on and stood in front of me and the lady sitting next to me....the train sat there for a bit and he got off although he didn't leave the platform he just stood with his back to us in one of the side tunnels. The train continued to sit there and this bloke was still in the tunnel although now his arm was moving about a bit....he caught the attention of the lady sitting next to me and we both commented on his odd behaviour...then all of a sudden, he turned round and started waving his nob up and down at us. He wasn't wanking off just flapping it about, maybe he couldn't get hard or something but it was the most bizarre thing I have ever seen, it was quite big so he had a lot to work with. He continued to waggle it up and down until the train eventually pulled out of the station.
The 'Lady Sitting Next To Me' commented that you don't get many of those to the pound and we laughed and laughed all the way to Waitrose.

Small Victories

2009-03-19T06:23:00.000-07:00

Days like today are awesome, the small things make all the random annoying shit melt away.
I had a great phone call with the hideously incompetent Natwest mortgage people were I had the woman on the phone grovelling for forgiveness. Every single time something changes with our mortgage deal we have to chase them up, many times they haven't scrolled down the screen to get the full picture of our history or current deal and things have gone tits up. I don't like to leave things stationary, if there is a better deal I run towards it hoping to pull back that few pence which makes getting through the month easier. This kind of deal tango seems to befuddle Natwest leaving it running round after it's own tail like a dopey puppy. They sigh with distress when they read the details on their screens, admitting that yes they do have a record of the deal they set up ...and no they didn't put it into place at the agreed time. I didn't push it or become difficult but the apology made me feel all smiley.

THEN I went to get bread from the supermarket and whilst walking through the carpark thought about what to get eldest brunette child for his birthday.....I started to browse the toy section and came upon a Rey Mysterio WWE figure at a knockdown price of £4.97. I think wrestling is a great big bunch of old shite but let the little fella have the toys because he is brilliant at school, polite, cheeky but with a cute edge, generous to his little brother and makes me laugh everyday. I will never understand the attraction but all his friends like it, he likes it and who am I to deny such a lovely kid this one small vice. He has wanted this figure for 18 months and it would have been worth it at double the price.

THEN I found a fiver in the side pocket of a bag I hadn't used for ages and decided to treat myself to a iced latte from Costa, the woman made it just how I like it and they had Nick Cave playing on the stereo....sometime things fall nicely into place and you cruise through the day on a cloud of Yoda like calmness......I think I might get me a lottery ticket.

Old Job

2009-03-18T12:22:00.000-07:00

When I moved to London back in the early 1990's I took a Christmas temp job in a record shop. I was deciding what I really wanted to do.
I kind of knew what I really wanted to do but had yet to make it happen. I wanted to either make stuff or be Quincy. Being Quincy was off the table on account of not bothering to go to university to study forensics. Making stuff was great but paid badly and I still had to buy electricity and food so I thought working in a record shop would be fun.
It was.
Also, being in the West End I got to see famous people shopping for records. We didn't get as many famous people as our big shop up the road but we got our fair share, mostly old duffers like Ken Livingston or show people like Michael Ball.
I served...........

Stephen Hawking....he bought Tracy Chapman 'Greatest Hits'......he didn't 'speak' but did look at my boobs and drool... although the drooling might have been coincidental.

Princess Diana.....she was with a bodyguard and bought the soundtrack to 'Indecent Proposal' and Abba 'Gold'...she wore a lot of blue mascara and leaned on the counter.

Pat Cash......can't remember what he bought but it was in the first part of the A-Z so was probably Beach Boys 'Pet Sounds' or something by Ginger Baker. He had a HUGE ruby cross in his ear... was buff and ripped.

Michael Parkinson....he browsed the classical section then went upstairs to the dvds so I didn't see what he actually bought BUT he was proper stylish and smart in an understated but wealthy way, very polite.

Jools Holland used to come in a lot, he had cute kids and always checked to see what cd's of his we had in stock.

There was nothing I enjoyed more at the time than walking the A-Z, doing orders, putting stock back in place, seeing what was missing from the back catalogue and generally just getting lost in it all. I didn't care to much for the retail aspect but always respected the customers even if they did buy some right old shite.
When I am in a record shop now I find it hard not to tidy up as I browse.

Best job in the world

2009-03-18T11:42:00.000-07:00

This week I have watched two series of The West Wing on DVD whilst finishing a huge stitched sampler for an American customer. The sampler is almost traditional in so much as the alphabet is replaced by sweary words and the pictures are of nudey pinups, daggers and roses like old time tattoos. For this I will be paid enough to buy groceries for a while, some shoes for the small blonde child and some footy boots for the taller brunette child. I might even be able to squeeze a few cinema trips and the odd *nice* bottle of red instead of the discount price Ribena we've been drinking of late.

I may increase my risk of cancer...

2009-02-27T10:42:00.000-08:00

.....but I will continue to enjoy lovely lovely wine....everyday.

How things change.

2009-02-25T03:26:00.000-08:00

The last couple of years have been a bit tight financially, we kind of continued to live like a London-based-no-children-to-worry-about couple long after we had left London, got a massive mortgage and a couple of expensive boys (kids need all kinds of shit like food and clothes and stuff not to mention Batman figures and Marvel comics). All that sitting alongside our champagne tastes made us realised we would be heading for disaster if we didn't sort it out. Before the official credit crunch we credit crunched ourselves in a major belt tightening project, I didn't buy any more shoes and we cut down on getting all the new release cd and dvds we wanted. Apart from the dress I wore to my sister in law's wedding I haven't bought any new clothes since Oct 2007, not even knickers as I had so many of them too (two double drawers, hahaha double drawers...sorry). I figured the three double wardrobes of clothes could actually be altered or re-imagined, I have very advanced sewing skills and needed to get my shit together and apply them. We stopped using credit cards and cut down on flashy wine and M&S food treats.
At first it was tough but we are now reaping the benefits, we are actually living within our means and almost being in the black at the end of the month, debts are shrinking and my husband's substantial wages aren't just being chewed up my credit cards and loans.
As for me I am selling my work left right and centre, two big orders for jewellery yesterday and a commission inquiry this morning. For the first time in ages I shopped at the supermarket without having to add it up in my head as I went around. In fact it felt quite odd having extra moolah. Obviously I am going to keep being careful, I don't want to fuck it up by blowing it all on some Manolos but it felt fucking marvellous as I paid the checkout girl knowing I had essentially paid for it by embroidering and making and drawing.

Brain Fart

2009-02-23T07:13:00.000-08:00

I had a bunch of cool stuff to blog about and yet can't remember what any of them were. Duh. *puts arms in top and does a Joey*

oOOooOOo

2009-02-16T13:52:00.000-08:00

When I click on this blog all the posts appear to disappear, something is afoot at blogger headquarters.

In Which I am Ace

2009-02-10T23:31:00.000-08:00

I wanted to keep this blog as anonymous as I could, especially since I am likely to slag my in laws off a massive amount BUT I simply had to brag about my new international artist status. YES I have some work exhibited in a New York gallery! I am very excited. All you bitches who laughed when I embroidered swears onto nylon nighties and called it art can stick it...YEAH!
Seriously though I was asked to submit some work to Gallery Hanahou for their 'Forget Me Not' exhibition. I duly sent 3 pieces and from the Flickr pics they look bloody marvellous. They are for sale too so some lucky New Yorker will be able to own a piece of me and pay for my groceries...kerching! This is my stuff
Tim Berners-Lee thank you for the internets... it has allowed craft to get all arty, I can now legitimately sit in my 'studio' (back double bedroom) and stare into the middle distance in the name of art without my parents questioning what I do all day(gin and Vogue).

Gigantic Wanker

2009-02-05T06:12:00.001-08:00

My neighbour is such a nob and I hate him with the heat of a super nova.
We rarely see 'The Slaters', as we all call them, their house is set slightly apart from all the others in the close and they never venture outside. They keep all their blinds shut and never have the windows open even in summer, instead they run a huge and expensive air conditioning system. I fed their rabbits and fish once when they went on holiday and the house had such thick fuggy air you could pretty much take a slice out of it. They have a son of about 12 years from his first marriage and a daughter from her first (abusive) marriage. She, 'Aunt Sponge Slater' used to have very low opinions of all the other children in the neighbourhood constantly judging until her daughter got knocked up by the chef from the village pub aged 15. He 'Uncle Sponge Slater' kicked the daughter out making her go and get a scummy council house in a dodgy part of town instead of offering to pitch in and let her finish her education. Aunt Sponge let it happen because he was taking her to Egypt and she didn't want to jeopardise the holiday. They have CCTV fitted to the side of their house even though we live in a sleepy Northamptonshire village in a very very quiet cul de sac and not in fact in Compton, LA.
Overnight we have had a lot of snow and all the kids were out playing and having a great time, the grown ups couldn't go to work as all the roads around the village were blocked so we got some snow shovels and spades and started to build some giant snowmen.
Anyway old twat face from next door has just been out having a go at the kids for making giant snowballs that 'might' roll in the way of his car (obnoxious Range Rover) and block his drive. He didn't know I was standing in my garage and heard his vicious shouty tirade. He made a couple of the smaller kids cry, so I went round to see what all the fuss was about and to apologise for any snow related problems we might have caused for him. He launched into one of the most ridiculous paranoid monologues I have ever heard, a full ten minutes of utter utter nonsensical bollocks, if I hadn't have been standing there listening with my own two ears I wouldn't have believed one person could spout such cock. I ended up walking away saying 'Whatever', a phrase I really don't like at all......it just seemed so appropriate.

This made me laugh

2009-01-31T06:28:00.000-08:00

Sexy People

I bet we are all there in some form.

Burnt Up

2009-01-19T07:41:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I read in The Observer that 'they' are trying to stop people randomly scattering the ashes of dead relatives. It can damage flora and choke fauna (also ruin a nice picnic). This knocked my idea of being flung around my local M&S cake aisle on the head then.

Halifucks

2009-01-07T05:27:00.000-08:00

I went to the Halifax today to put a cheque in, there were two windows free, no queue. Yay I thought. Went to the window, when the girl had put her biscuit down (I know!) and stopped talking she informed me that they don't let you deposit cheques at the desks now you had to deposit them in the cheque deposit machine.
''Oh that machine over there'' I said, ''The one with the four deep queue?''
''Yeah'', she said and picked up her biscuit again.
Fucking speechless.

Bulb Bastards

2009-01-07T03:29:00.000-08:00

Those light bulb wielding council meddlers have been around, my nightime darkness heaven is ruined FOREVER!

New Year

2008-12-31T06:03:00.000-08:00

2008 was mixed, I had a couple of tough incidents to work through and some sad loses. My family continued to be marvellous and I really hope my erratic and border line mental behaviour doesn't drive them to distraction too much in 2009.
I don't really like New Years resolutions, I think they are usually empty self deluded promises that never come true. I would however like to make sure the things that happened this year don't happen next year.
To that end I will......
Dress better, I have several wardrobes full of great stuff that I never wear, I tend to 'save things for best', end up wearing the same black trouser and white top uniform, if you see an eccentric woman in Tesco wearing ball gowns and satin Emma Hope shoes it'll be me.
Have prettier hair, kind of the same scenario as the clothes, I have dyed it 'watermelon red' for vibrancy but then let it go into a shapeless too long bob affair which adds to the bag lady look which I am trying to shake off, not liking salons doesn't help.
Eat better, I don't actually eat too much crap but I don't have breakfast which is daft because I love breakfasty food and it'll do me god to be more disciplined.
Get a smaller arse, and belly and legs etc, not for vanity but for health, I don't like the nearing 40 achey breakyness which is creeping up on me.
Have more faith in my art and be more proactive with promoting myself.
Stop worrying about things I can't change and paddling in past events mooning over what I shoulda coulda woulda done etc. Pointless.
I think that's a pretty good list to be going on with.....I will continue to write lists and tidy up a great deal as I love doing that. In fact I feel the need to hoover up whilst eveyone is at the pictures. Lovely!
Have a great New Year and I hope 2009 is safe and happy and healthy and prosperous.

Limbo

2008-12-29T04:02:00.001-08:00

It's that weird limbo time between Christmas and New Year, it feels odd eating party food but that's all there is in the house. I think I shall hunker down with the kids and watch the new dvds we got. Poor hubby had to go back to work although I think he was tired of playing Mario on the Wii so probably welcomed the change. I really need to get back to work myself, I have done some great new designs for necklaces and my sketchbooks are being well used but I can't seem to muster the energy to get my pliers and hammers out.....back to the sofa it is then hee hee.

Christmas Eve Eve Eve

2008-12-22T08:31:00.000-08:00

My brother has just had an operation, I would go and visit but he lives in Hong Kong, I hope he isn't in too much pain poor devil, it's his birthday today as well.
I have just about recovered from my man flu although I have a nice array of cold sores decorating my face, I hope they heal before Christmas Day. I want to give and receive lots of big sloppy kisses.
I hope you all have a great Christmassy time, I am off to have a Snowball and some Bombay Mix....take care y'all!

((((((((SNEEZE))))))))

2008-12-15T04:45:00.000-08:00

Got man flu, can't type. Snot dripping into keyboard, electrical hazard, must get back to sofa.

No Piccallillililiiiii

2008-12-09T01:16:00.000-08:00

There was no piccalilli, YAY! The champagne was already quite cold so we whacked it in the freezer for 5 minutes and popped that open, we were good to go....unpacking the rest the children were as impressed as me. They sat in the large cardboard box a mid the packing peanuts as we unveiled the inner wicker sanctum.

Just a few items from the Hamper Of Glory.

Free Stuff

2008-12-08T08:56:00.001-08:00

So I accepted that I may never get paid EVER and therefore will not be able to buy any Christmas presents. They will, of course, get me my money at some point this week but once I started to relax the stress melted away quite nicely, when there is absolutely nothing you can do about a situation you kind of float along on a cloud of resignation happily unable to get anymore upset, it must be what it's like being proper thick.
I was also cheered up by the arrival of the first ''Parcels Of Free Stuff'' that my husband gets sent every year by record company type people and companies that do work for him. Today's was the bestest of the lot, I have saved it all wrapped until fella gets home. After we open a bottle of wine we can un pack it's contents oooing and ahhhing at all the Christmassy goodness. It is of course the LARGE wicker basket, with leather strapped, ribbon be-decked Fortnum & Masons hamper!!!! oOooOOoooOO. Every year it never fails to impress me, I am easy wowed by stuff I can't ordinarily afford or feel are somehow too decadent. Each food item comes outrageously wrapped and boxed. I do, of course, immediately shove the piccalilli (dog sick in a jar)to the back of the cupboard, I am sure it will come in handy when there is a zombie attack or nuclear war and I can use it as a weapon or a protective body armour type glaze. I sure as shit don't want to eat it even if it is free.

Moolah

2008-12-05T08:25:00.000-08:00

So I have been doing some work from home for a company basically answering queries regarding people's shares. The work is great and I get to so it in my pants if I like and I can sit and draw and sew between calls so essentially I am being paid to do my own stuff. Awesome. Except for the past three months there has been a fuck up every single payday.....the first time I was due to be paid I had to wait two extra weeks with a barrage of excuses until they admitted their payroll function wasn't working correctly.
Last month I had to ring the managing director on his mobile so he could go into a bank and literally put the cash in, I didn't have a penny in my purse. This was the Saturday morning after I spent all day Friday telling him it hadn't been put into my account and could he sort it before the weekend where it would turn into an inconvenience for both of us.
Today was supposed to be pay day and the money isn't there again, he is saying that it might take 48 hours to clear which takes us to Sunday when fuck all can be done if it isn't there and I will have to wait until Monday when I can try to query it and may have to wait yet again. If pay day is today then have the fucking money there, if it's going to take until Monday to clear then tell me THAT is pay day you nob. I am so out of my mind with rage one minute and resignation the next that I am exhausted. I hate having to try to get people to be proactive knowing the inevitable problematic out come that is about to hit could be avoided. I gave up proper job type jobs so I wouldn't have to put up with this sort of fuckwittery. I bet you a million fucking quid that the Christmas stuff I wanted to get with my wages tomorrow will be sold out by the time these cunts pay me.
Fuck fuck fuck and cunt!

Works 'Do'

2008-11-25T02:45:00.000-08:00

Because I work from home I don't get to 'enjoy' the annual works do. I never really liked them and indeed it was one of things my husband and I bonded over when me met ( re-merchandising the Zappa section of a large record store in London after a re-fit, as we were both on the 'management team' we got to do all the fab stuff like open the import boxes).
Neither of us liked hanging out with the staff, they were really nice but they all wanted to be DJ's and starlets or were even more geeky than us which was quite a feat and it just bought home the transient, desperate nature of living in London and trying to build a relationship, everyone scrabbling around trying to kiss each other but still look 'vital' wondering if working in a record shop until pensionable age was feasible or even cool on any level and if you'd ever move out of a house share or get to shop at Waitrose instead of Budgen.
SoOooo I found them quite depressing and so did me fella and we would slope off to one of the illegal drinking dens we knew in Soho and watch the prossie tarts and flashy geezers coming and going sharing stories about when my brother chased me round the block with some dog poo on a stick and when his Mum pulled him off a wall where she'd put him to tie his shoelace and broke his arm. Oh and the time his dad ran over him in a tile warehouse and broke his femur and the time I was sent to America for the summer holidays to stay with my parents friends as it was free and the only time I would ever go abroad as a child even if it was without my family and I should be grateful and was made to listen to Mormons who visited and when I was flicking the tea towel at the back of the large living room fan and it got sucked in and made a huge grinding noise and the Morman lady nearly dropped a bollock with shock. We talked a lot and fell in love and the rest is history.
I guess our lack of excitement at the Christmas works do bought us together.
These days I do it differently......these days I treat myself to a slap up lunch at the local pub, I get my Mum to pick the boys up so I can really drag it out, and I have a proper good feed, a few gins and a mammoth go on the quizzer machine. Bloody great, then I sit and read for a bit, have a few more gins and then walk home just as people are putting their lights on but before they have shut the curtains, so I can see into their living rooms and critique their decor. A solitary marvellous do indeed.

The Christmas Present Tango

2008-11-17T03:09:00.000-08:00

My mother-in-law (not it's not a bad joke unless you count our relationships as such, in which case, it is) and my rather more kindhearted father-in-law wanted to give my husband and I some money for a Christmas present. We got momentarily excited because we haven't bought anything for ages. I haven't bought any new clothes for myself since October 2007, I shit you not. Just haven't had the moolah and since I have wardrobes stuffed full I thought it would be better to get my tailor's dummy out and do some sewing and recycling and stuff, not had the time but my heart was in the right place.....ANYWAY.....they were going to give us some money and we thought oOOoo cd's and dvd's, the new Cure, hubby wanted the Blue Areoplanes thingy, I wanted She & Him, etc, etc. Then we discover that we can only have the money if we get the dishwasher fixed!!!!!(which she has been told a million times is unfixable and I am saving for a new one....although they won't give us money toward a new one..go figure) What kind of fucked up nonsense is that! I swear to God and shoes that my mother-in-law is the biggest Zone Of No Fun I have ever come across. If it might give someone pleasure then it is very very bad.
Every year we dance around each other having to specify EXACTLY what the children want even though we have no idea what how much she wants to spend and when we say maybe vouchers, so they can have the fun of shopping for themselves, she says 'no...that's not really putting enough thought into it' EVEN THOUGH SHE ISN'T PUTTING ANY THOUGHT INTO IT AS SHE IS BUGGING ME ABOUT IT FOR MONTHS.
Fuck knows what she will send, but I can guarantee it won't be fun.

New Prez

2008-11-05T11:56:00.001-08:00

Goody goody gum drops a new Leader is in town, I like him nearly as much as that lovely Josiah Bartlet..... and the other one...Matt Santos.....yummy yummy man candy....I hope they get pics of Obama in speedos etc.
In other political news what the fuck are they thinking re gay marriage? They give it to you with one hand and take it away with the other.
I bet that moon faced twat Cameron will be sniffing round Obama like a dog with two cocks the dirty boy.

OOooOOoo claps hands

2008-11-01T03:05:00.000-07:00

I just realised that Surly Girl is blogging again....I love her......and not in a stalker like mad axe murdering way or anything. Yay.

I'd Like To Complain

2008-10-29T12:57:00.000-07:00

I'd like to complain about all the people complaining about Ross & Brand.....is all that complaining really necessary? I like a moan but complaining too much just takes the shine of any future legitmate complaints...effectively you are spoiling it for the rest of us. That is all.

You Picked A Fine Time To Leave Me Lucille

2008-10-28T10:13:00.000-07:00

With four hungry children and the crops in the field.

I was whooshed back in time when an advert for Daniel O' Donnell's 'new' album of classic country hits appeared on telly. I was totally in my Mum and Dad's 'middle room' with the big table waiting for Sunday lunch to be served while they messed about in the kitchen singing songs and stirring a huge baking tin of gravy on the gas ring. mmMMMMMmm yorkshire puddings.

Good news bad news

2008-10-09T10:52:00.000-07:00

The good news is that the street light the council fixed has blown so we are plunged into beautiful darkness again, the bad news is that some fucker took my £5000000000000000000000000000000000000000 to fix the banks.

I Went To Chatsworth And I saw

2008-10-07T09:06:00.000-07:00

A pig and a giant baby.

Oh yes I forgot to say

2008-09-29T03:54:00.000-07:00

The fucking council fixed the street lights, poo and wee I say, it's like living in the middle of Blackpool or something again. The stars are decidedly dimmer and the shuffing of small nocturnal animals around the lawn has ceased. I am not a happy bunny and after such a great weekend too, I may have to have a slice or three of carrot cake.

Saturday Review

2008-09-29T03:37:00.001-07:00

Wow what a great Saturday, started off brilliantly with kids not arguing about getting their homework out of the way, result!
Did a ton of very exciting gardening which involved using power tools and large loppers. Made a right mess, had a thoroughly good time.
Had a shower after doing the strenuous MAN gardening, put on flowery dress and did dainty wooden trug dead head gardening.
Had sausages.
Watched as kids played old fashioned street games and remembered how fucking ace is was being 7.
Had tasty chocolate snack of new cranberry and granola flavoured Dairy Milk, nice.
Did two custom orders for jewellery , listed them on Etsy, sold them both within a hour or so, KERCHING.
Had a snog, we are marrried so it is ok.
Watched cheeky Saturday night telly with the whole family lying on the big sofas, I relish these times as I know the boys will grow up and want to hang around the shops drinking Strongbow before they are very much older.
Had a good sleep even though I am very snotty from man flu.

All in all 9 out of 10 for Saturday, I know it doesn't seem like the most exciting way to spend your life but the whole day made me grin like a window licker.

Oh and I discovered the Genius thingy on iTunes, how cool is that!

Post about posts.

2008-09-24T10:12:00.001-07:00

I have some ace posts to post, all sorts of good stuff that I haven't had time to blog about. Will get my knickers in gear and lavish some hot bloggy action on you all tomorrow, or later , or whenever, you know just stop hassling me ok!

Break Up

2008-09-16T03:12:00.000-07:00

My sister rang on Sunday to tell me she is splitting up from her husband......I was stunned and yet not at all surprised.
Her and her husband always seemed to bicker, I figured that was just they way they did things. I can't imagine how crap she feels, her husband is not taking it well....he has verbalised his hatred for her to our Mum, he thinks she is having an affiar. I don't care if she is or not, that's not my business, I just want to make sure she is ok. In true my family stylee my Mum is blaming herself and my Dad is trying to please everyone and ends up sounding like a twat.
It made me look at my husband and realise how fucking lucky I am, or course he is lucky too because I am ace... but wow we managed to meet each other and make it work. PHEW!

So.....

2008-09-10T11:55:00.000-07:00

I was going to do a real neeto photomontage of our holiday but I couldn't be arsed to get the pictures off the laptop and put them on the desktop and the new router I have installed for my new job isn't configured for WIFI and the old one keeps forgetting to recognise the desktop and I can't be bothered to keep unplugging the wires and it all went funny and I have a headache because I have been drilling holes in 19th century coins for a customer charm bracelet order *GASP FOR AIR* and I need a drink. That is all for now.

Been On Holiday

2008-08-29T11:11:00.000-07:00

So I have been on holiday, Derbyshire, Shatton .......which of course made me giggle like a twat every time we past the sign to the farm......sister in law got married in a barn, my crystal and vintage button bridal bouquet went down a storm.
My thigh muscles are still singing from all the delicious walking, my Vans with the colourful skulls all over are dead, need to get more. Will post pictorial holiday montage when I can be arsed.

In Laws

2008-08-15T05:27:00.000-07:00

The in laws are coming over from France for my sister in laws wedding. They are having a stop over at ours.
I haven't seem them since October 07 due to nasty behaviour of mother in law on last holiday.....I wasn't going to subject myself to her crap etc etc.
I have decided to take it easy today and PRETEND that the windows are clean and that everywhere has been tidied. In fact I think it is nearly Pimms O Clock. Hurrah!

ooOOoOO Look at the sky!

2008-08-08T02:44:00.000-07:00

I live in a very very VERY suburban cul de sac......there is always a child's bike on the pavement with the back wheel turning slowly and a gaggle running about. The neighbours are all very nice and we don't get too involved in each others 'stuff' ( unlike the next Close along..The Party Close... where rumours of intermarital affairs and late night liasons were rife). During the day all the front doors are open and kids wander in and out. We have an unspoken agreement to keep an eye on each other's kids but not get too shouty.
There has never been any break-ins (except when some pissed teen kid had been jumping over fences and got into next door's garden, thought it was his own house and fucked the patio door). Even though this is far from my dream forever house it fits the bill nicely...I want my children to have memories of long summers 'playing out', 'wandering around' and 'knocking about'. It all works quite well.
Occasionally something happens to put everyone in a tail spin......the street light went out!!! Lordy. THEN it didn't get fixed!!!!!
THEN another went out!!!!!!! and THAT didn't get fixed!!!!
I thought Alan across the road would have a mild heart attack.
I quite like a bit of friction and the possible revolt amused me....I watched hoping Alan would go rogue and let loose.
Then everyone realised that at night it was actually quite nice, the sickly yellow glow had gone, it made everyone's bedrooms darker, especially handy when trying to get kid's to sleep in the summer. We liked it the most as one of the lights was outside our bedroom. Darren strung some fairy lights from his fence and it all looked pretty ace, you can see all the stars.
We decided not to rag the council and hoped they would forget about changing the bulbs.......they have....YAY.
We are going to put deckchairs out this weekend, crack a nice bottle of something fizzy and watch the meteor shower.

Another One Bites The Dust

2008-08-07T00:13:00.000-07:00

So after weeks of being shouted at by silly old boss man and him undermining all my decisions I declared that I no longer wanted the job. That put the wind up him. It was SO not worth the hassle. It was a full time job for two hard working people and not a part time little pootle around extra pocket money job that he had me believe. Of the 21 house he owned in this town, 2 are being completely refurbished, 3 need complete refurbishment and the rest need more than your average set of repairs and all need total redecoration.
Even Sarah Beeney would drop a bollock and run.
He also had the cheek to question what I did of a day....and after I spent 20 minutes giving him a blow by blow run down of every event that happened that day he THEN tried to jusify asking by saying he wanted to make sure I wasn't trying to rip him off...what a nob. I was a total find, someone who was willing to get her hands dirty and still able to manage effectively, he will have a hard time finding a decent replacement....yeah good luck with that cuntface.

In more money spinning news I got offered a better job and had a big handbag order...YAY.

Words what I use a lot

2008-08-01T08:12:00.000-07:00

1/ CUNT.... rude but effective, good if you want to shock someone you dislike. Becomes funnier after loads of wine especially when used by an aged aunt or your Mum.

2/ HOOVER.... as in 'I'll get the hoover' or 'OooOoO let me hoover that up'. I am a bit of a hoover addict, sad but it IS great fun and you get fast results. One of my ideal jobs would be hoovering vast acres of carpet maybe at a palace or big National Trust run house/ mansion.

3/ CLARET.... as in 'There was claret all over, big dust up, some chav got shivved'. I have an annoying habit of becoming a not very funny Cockney fishwife impersonator when relaying stories I might have read in the paper or seen on the news. I drink a lot of wine so also use it in the context of 'OOooOOoo go on them just one more glass of claret won't hurt'.

Weather

2008-07-28T08:28:00.000-07:00

I never moan when it rains, I find it refreshing.
I never moan when it is windy, I find it bracing.
I love the snow and never moan when we got some.

This fucking humid heat though, fuck it fuck it fuck it.

Lobster Woman

2008-07-22T08:31:00.000-07:00

I thought I was being all clever taking a smart pagoda type parasol to the kids' sports day. Nice and sunny, breezy, me with my floral dress and new bobbed hair. I didn't think I needed sun cream. Now I have farmer's tan arms a nose that would put even the most hardened drinker to shame and bright red cleavage. Classy.

Calm and serene

2008-07-18T11:38:00.000-07:00

With the help of Bombay Sapphire and ready meals I find myself on an even keel. I am adapting slowly to my new working life and I must say the extra cash is fabulous.
I had created a proper neat little bubble for myself which I am sure wasn't healthy and have come up against all sorts of challenges not least of which is dealing with thicko handymen with racist leanings If I hear one more comment like 'Well he's Polish 'in 'e sez it all', or the classic' I have nothing against blacks BUT....' GRRRRRRR I might have to have a word..... thicky twatting nobbers.
Apart from that it is all coming together ok, and I made some big Etsy sales so the Tesco bill doesn't seem so daunting. Hurrah!

The subject is prone to fits of crying.

2008-07-14T08:29:00.001-07:00

I have been on a emotional roller coaster ride this last week. Getting used to having a job type job has been tough. I am my own worst enemy, putting pressure on myself and trying to run before I can walk (and other cliches). I spent most of the weekend crying and making tiny things into massive issues. My long suffering husband reassured me that is was all perfectly natural, after 9 years not having a proper 'normal' job jumping in at the deep end was always going to be hard. The money is great and it supplements my arty designer maker work well. When all the big renovation / making good is done it will be a nice little part timer looking after the students and doing the monthly safety checks.
I did get a tiny little thrill today pootling about in my C3, being my own boss, doing jobs. I just have to remember that when I finish for the day that is it, I finish. I don't have to think about it 24 7. Must try to switch off, I guess that is what Coronation Street is for.

Manic Monday

2008-07-07T12:27:00.000-07:00

Today I witnessed grumpy old boss go at it in the street with work shy builder. I felt kind of like Kevin McCloud witnessing a renovation melt down. Highly amusing.
I started planning all the natty suit type outfits I shall wear when checking building work is being done. Marvellous.

Headache... Tense Exciting Headache

2008-07-06T09:39:00.001-07:00

I have a thumping headache, all this new information vying for space in my limited jelly like brain. I have loads to take onboard and am at the tense stage when I fear I can't do this job or that I will somehow get found out. I have sorted a ton of stuff out today and relaxed by making a super handmade cushion and listed it on Etsy.
I can't back out of this property job as the boss got me all new stationery printed on Saturday as a starting gift, plus a new phone which I have no chance of ever being able to use effectively.

Shock To The System

2008-07-04T12:13:00.000-07:00

So.....luxury handmade goods, like wot I make, aren't selling due to bombs costing more or houses falling apart or something. The ends that used to meet aren't meeting as well as they used to. Also since I have champagne tastes and lemonade pockets I thought I'd better get a little job to add some extra funds to the pot. To that end I am now an artist and part time Property Manager. I landed it quite by chance and didn't really have enough time to talk myself out of it which is what I would normally do in this situation. I have had a proper busy week and am absolutely knackered.
The fella who I am working for is a multi multi multi millionaire who has race horses and lives 'abroad'. He is also quite old so after a goodly time if I get in his good books I might have the opportunity to shout 'BOO' loudly and inherit all his houses. Fingers crossed.
There will be many many great anecdotes, today already he had me in stitches with his wheeling and dealing.
THEN as a Brucey Bonus I got home and had sold two handmade handbags with vintage embellishments and Czech glass hand strung beaded handles. (Shameless self promotion)
Get the sparkly on ice, things are looking up.

Happy Bifday To Me

2008-06-29T23:48:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my birthday and I had a most excellent time. All week I had been completely underwhelmed by the whole forthcoming event, unusual for me as I usually act like a total child for about a month before. I got a great selection of dvds and some lovely vouchers to do some guilt free shopping with. My favourite aunt and uncle sent me some flowers and the children kept singing happy birthday songs all day. Champagne flowed and I got pleasantly squiffy. All in all...marvellous.

Before & After

2008-06-20T12:17:00.000-07:00

Before mini carrot cakes

After mini carrot cakes

Lazy Beeyotch

2008-06-20T12:09:00.000-07:00

I haven't done a lick of work all week.
I have a list of stuff to do but as my husband had the week off I decided that I too was going to laze around.
I just about managed to peel myself off the sofa to hang half a basket of washing out but felt that was all too much and left the other half in there for safe keeping. I have been lying on my sofa by the window looking out at the garden reading books and eating cake. My cheeks have become rounder with the considerable number of Tesco Finest mini carrot cakes I have eaten. I will have to punish myself with an hour or 10 on the exercise bike to shift the extra lardage.
I shall start first thing on Monday.

Pets

2008-06-09T23:54:00.000-07:00

I always had pets as a kid and indeed my children have a hamster which I have grown quite attached to on account of I clean him out. I wouldn't say I was a pet person, I would never have a dog, the inconvenience would outweigh any real affection, well that is my theory. I have however, this week, seen three blog posts which worded so beautifully had be proper crying at the PC. The first was Tina who talked of her dog dying and directed the reader to her husband Jeff's blog where he wrote so wonderfully about poor old Archie. The third blog post was Bete De Jour's, all about Pablo the cat.
Get your tissues.

Seven Songs MeMe

2008-06-05T02:40:00.000-07:00

Betty did this songs meme thing so I thought I would copy her as she comes across as quite cool and knowing and by association I will too.

"List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they’re not any good, but they must be songs you’re really enjoying now, shaping your spring. Post these instructions in your blog along with your 7 songs. Then tag 7 other people to see what they’re listening to."

1/ Walking Spanish by Tom Waits , I have always loved this song and listen top it about a million times a week.....I like to hoover and wait in the car park at the school gates to it.

2/ Teardrop by Newton Faulkner, he's ginger and dready, I also like the original a lot and get all tingly when it reaches a cresendo at the end. Music should make you feel tingly.

3/ Lost Art Of Keeping A Secret, Queens Of The Stone Age This is just about perfect.

4/ Just Like Fred Astaire, James. This reminds me of living in Brighton and watching the birds circling the old West Pier, I had a great seafront flat but a broken heart. I felt wretched but this song made me feel just that little bit better. Luckily we got back together and now it makes me feel marvellous eveytime I listen to it, which is a lot.

5/ Chasing Cars, Snow Patrol, my children insist on listening to this in the car so I hear it a lot. I kind of like it but also kind of hate it, it is the Dido/ Coldpay arena that I find bland and too AOR. I feel like sticking my two fingers up at it and saying cunt in a fit of rebellion. The children sing it at the top of their voices waving their arms around...which is always a treat and has me giggling like a proper twat.

6/ Chick Habit, April March ..... another advert induced music feast, my mother inlaw has a Twingo which she races around the Normandy coast with. When my kids saw this advert they went mental not only because their Nan had THAT car but also because the song is ace o chops. We had to print the lyrics so that little un got the words right as his singing of 'hang up your chips daddy' was annoying his brother. The clip here is from Death Proof as it makes me seem more hardcore and vital and not like the village housewife I really am.

7/ Can't think of other specific songs but my iPod is my best frined and wards off random school gate and post office conversations from willing strangers.
Not that I am anti social...but you can all fuck off now.

Myface

2008-05-31T06:30:00.001-07:00

So earlier I was checking all my social networking stuff. I would like everyone to know that I am trying to capture the best of the designer maker scene and riding the wave of cool new music and NOT shaking off a Billy No Mates image.
On MySpace I had a new friend request....oOOooOO another crafter making subversive crossstitch or similar I hoped. But NO, it was the official Carol Decker/ T'Pau page wanting to be my mate. Now I can only hope that Carol liked my dirty Nun greeting cards or my was inspired to be-friend me because of my list of interests that include circus freaks, knitting and Charles Bukowski.

Nervous

2008-05-29T16:19:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I am going to London to see my friend's exhibition. I haven't seen him in ages, 13 years or so. He has a very very clever, very beautiful girlfriend and a very very successful career in the arts as an agent and artist. I on the other hand have a fat arse and a bad hair-do.
I feel slightly nervous.
Try as I might I can't find an outfit that makes me look anything other than a thrity something My Chemical Romance fan or a aged hooker. My classy Dior eyeshadow set,that I got for Christmas, doesn't give me smoky, sexy eyes, it just makes me look like I have had a scrap with Ricky Hatton.
It seems that my pyjamas and Agent Provocateur fluffy mules are the least offensive things I own.......dear God and Elvis wish me luck.

Like A Lovely New Pair of Socks

2008-05-27T06:26:00.000-07:00

Again I try to blog.
I have had about 6 blogs so far.
I get paranoid that I have revealed too much. I think too much about what I write and then get bored. I would love be a great writer but my talent lies in making things.....I could pretty much make a house out of fabric scraps but am rubbish at spelling and grammar. I find writing therapeutic and it means I am not sitting boring my family and friends with my obsessions. If my husband has to hear about why I hate Level 42 one more time I think he might move permanently into the conservatory taking the wine rack with him.
So I embark upon another blog, a more honest blog, a less crappy blog.