Put it away you idiot.

I lived in London for about 10 years. During that period I was a 'victim of crime' 3 times. One was official, I got a letter from the police inviting me to attend victim of crimes counselling, and the other two I didn't report.
The 'official' crime was when I got by flat burgled. I was sharing with a friend who insisted on switching all the lights off and leaving all the curtains open when we were out even though I told her a million billion times that it would be best to do the opposite....this wasn't a 'nice' neighbourhood just because it had an Islington address, we were essentially Dalston border. Any cheeky git could have a recee and bash the window in , basement flat, old vicarage, wobbly windows...we may as well have left the fucking door open. The day after Boxing day some cheeky git just had a reccee and bashed the window in, all my stuff was nicked including all my underwear and pj's my, cds jewellery, what wasn't nicked was wrecked. It was carnage. Interestingly her room was so messy that they couldn't, or didn't want to try to find anything of value. That'll teach me to be neat and have matching bras and pants.
The other two crimes were less material and more... shall we say... *sexual* or at the very least a bit Carry On. The first took place at Waterloo Station, I was on the train and this pin stripe suited fellow got on and sat opposite, He had a broad sheet that he was reading.....so far so normal. Then he started flicking the edge of the paper trying to attract my attention. I of course ignored him and tried to get back to my book. He became very insistent. I pointedly didn't look up, he became more insistent so with a sigh I looked up to see that under the paper he had his cock out....poking through his trousers. In what I can only describe as a cat like lightening quick reflex, I stood up, pointed and shouted at the top of my voice,'That man has he PENIS out'!!!!!!
The whole , quite packed by now, carriage turned round and he got up and ran off the train with his nob still flapping about. I think my use of the word 'penis' gave my retaliation a more grown up flavour adding to his humiliation.
The other non crime was also a flashing but took place in West Hampstead tube station. I was going to Waitrose in St John's Wood for our groceries, I had moved into a flat with my new boyfriend and future husband, living like kings on two fat wages. We had taken a flat in West Hampstead probably the most expensive place I have ever rented ( although the one we had in Dublin was pretty fucking expensive for an ex council flat, Celtic tiger greed). Anyhoo, I got on the train which was quite full and this bloke got on and stood in front of me and the lady sitting next to me....the train sat there for a bit and he got off although he didn't leave the platform he just stood with his back to us in one of the side tunnels. The train continued to sit there and this bloke was still in the tunnel although now his arm was moving about a bit....he caught the attention of the lady sitting next to me and we both commented on his odd behaviour...then all of a sudden, he turned round and started waving his nob up and down at us. He wasn't wanking off just flapping it about, maybe he couldn't get hard or something but it was the most bizarre thing I have ever seen, it was quite big so he had a lot to work with. He continued to waggle it up and down until the train eventually pulled out of the station.
The 'Lady Sitting Next To Me' commented that you don't get many of those to the pound and we laughed and laughed all the way to Waitrose.